Jury duty. Ug. Normally I would have loved to be a part of the judicial process. Last time I was called to jury duty, I was not only selected for the trial, but elected jury foreman. My inner lawyer nerd rejoiced. But now it was summer. I was home with my kids. I had a list.

There were over 70 other potential jurors crammed in a large room. In July. It was a major civil trial that would last two weeks. I squirmed. Everyone received a number. The top 12 would sit in the jury box and answer questions, and then be dismissed if there was any question of being biased. I was number two.

As I walked up to the jury box I looked down at the lawyers and their clients. I knew some of the people in the case. Oh praise Jesus for answered prayers, I could just say I knew them, and have a reason to be dismissed.

It didn’t turn out to be that simple.

I was compelled by the nature of the case. I wondered if I could be a beacon of justice on this jury, and be a part of such an important decision. Maybe I was called to be a voice of discernment.  My heart was a flurry of thoughts and there was little time to sort them out.

The lawyers asked questions of us.

“Do you know anyone in this case?”

I raised my hand.

“Would you be able to listen to all that is presented in this case and be unbiased?”

Oh gracious. In a poorly air-conditioned courtroom with dozens of people. On the spot. GO. What is in your heart?

“Yes, I believe I can be.”

But then… the next question.

“How well do you know their character? Would their character influence you or cause bias in any way?”

Panic. That is a deeper question.

I had always known the integrity and good character of my friends. That was not the struggle. The question was, could I be unbiased in a court of law and look at the evidence impartially?

I didn’t know what was best, what was right. I didn’t know if I could be unbiased. I thought I was certain of myself but I was feeling other feelings. Why didn’t I just know the answer?

He repeated the question.

My thoughts slowed.

“Yes.”

I could not be unbiased. I was dismissed.

I found out later that another potential juror I knew, who was also a friend of my friends, had been dismissed as well. But he visibly waved to them from the jury box, and was prompt to answer that he would not be unbiased and therefore could not serve on the jury.

Why wasn’t that me? Why didn’t I know my heart sooner?

Perhaps I could credit my skills in *occasionally* over-analyzing a situation… (ahem).

But what if, ultimately, that is just the way it is with our hearts sometimes? What if it isn’t always obvious? Maybe we don’t always know what is in our hearts, and it isn’t until we undergo a process of self-examination, questioning, and searching that our true motives are revealed.

It would be nice to skip that process and just be confident of the answer.

Or maybe the process is just as important as the outcome. When we are faced with our own questions and uncertainties, we grow in our understanding of Jesus and of our own hearts.

The past several years have been, for me personally, a difficult and long process of healing. I am still walking it, but I am not at the beginning anymore. In the trenches of messiness and ugliness, I have experienced some level of healing and revival in my heart that once appeared impossible. There are fragments of light and beauty. There are rumors in my heart of a growing territory called Freedom.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” In order to guard your heart, you have to know it. To know Jesus and to be known by Him. To invite God to shine a light on the dark and hurting places. To discern what is hindering us from understanding our own hearts.

I wish all of our heart’s battles could be remedied in one morning of jury duty.

In reality it takes months, or even years, of humbling ourselves and submitting to a different way of thinking. Healing is arduous because our hearts were not created to thrive in shallow waters. Wrestling and stretching and self-examining are found in the deep end. Greater focus, and a clearer vision, can be found there as well.

Those are big scary topics.

But most assuredly, you are not alone. You are being prepared for something in your life that you will be able to fully invest in, if you are willing. Maybe you don’t even see a path amidst the thorns of fear and pain. But you owe it to yourself to dig deep in those waters.

And this is a welcome and safe space to be real.