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Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come… He will come to save you.”  (Isaiah 35:3)

It was a warm September day, and our fall schedule had begun. The kids and I optimistically embarked on our first afternoon of piano lessons, ballet, and church activities.  At nearly 270,000 miles, and a bumper beautifully held together with zip-ties, our van is like our second home. Our crazy schedules are held together by this functioning vehicle. We finished one activity and prepared to depart for the next. I stuck my key into the ignition, only to hear a “click-click-click”. For real? Again, “Click-click-click”. UGH.

We were on a time schedule. And we needed a timely rescue.

A short 20-ish minutes later, our powerless van was jump-started and we were on our way.

I am a planner. I like predictability. I like to know what the timing of everything will be, so this disruption and delay was not welcome.

Timing has been a topic of deep consideration on my mind lately. For even the strongest and most flexible of us humans, the mere timing of a particular event can completely devastate our daily lives and future goals. I really don’t like that thought.

I want first-hand access to the details of God’s timetable for my life. I want to know when and how my cries and prayers will be answered. We want a predictable rescue from pain and fear and broken relationships and wayward children and horrifying diseases. And hurt. We want to know when we will stop hurting.

And if one more person says some ridiculous cliché about how “God’s timing is just not our timing”, I might lose my gluten-free, sugar-free Christmas cookies. It’s not that I don’t want to hear the truth. It just feels so trite to hear that and smile and carry on because we all KNOW that most of us really aren’t just taking it in stride that there is a timetable over which we have ZERO control…!! *Exhale*

There is a great story about God’s timing in the book of Daniel. No cookie-cutter answers here, just a major spiritual concept that I did not realize until recently. It doesn’t require you to smile and pretend that this waiting thing isn’t hard. But it does give us perspective on why we may be waiting, and even how to wait well.

Daniel had remained in Persia when the exiles began to return to Jerusalem during the reign of Cyrus. For 21 days Daniel prayed and fasted. It is not completely clear what his exact prayer was, but we know that an angel came to him because of his prayer. “Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words” (Dan 10:12).

Not only was an angel sent to him because of his prayers, that same angel was also delayed. “The prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me twenty-one days, but Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me…” (Dan 10:13). Michael was the archangel. And, according to David Guzik’s commentary, the prince of Persia “was a demon of high rank that opposed the answer to prayer.”

So an angel had been sent to Daniel when he first began to pray, and, technically, that prayer had been answered. But it wasn’t delivered immediately because a force of evil opposed it. Daniel’s prayer was powerful enough to dispatch an angel, and engage an evil being so strong that the archangel Michael had to intervene. Powerful prayer.

Our prayers and trials have far more profound and eternal implications than we realize. There are things going on in a spiritual realm we cannot see, affecting and directing all eternity. The answer and the rescue have something infinitely higher at stake. Our waiting and praying can accomplish a mighty victory.

God’s timing is not as predictable as my quick van fix, but God’s timing is no less perfect. And His faithfulness is no less predictable.

Also important to note-Daniel did not pretend that his situation wasn’t really hard. He was mourning. He was fasting. His heart was deeply torn about something. But he also didn’t give up on God’s faithfulness to him. He persevered in prayer for 21 days, until the deliverance of his prayer had come.

God also assured Daniel of His love for him, even though the timing of his answered prayer was intensely trying.  When the angel finally came, he addressed Daniel as “man greatly loved.” Greatly loved.

Maybe that is the most painfully beautiful thing about God’s timing. Our waiting and our desire to know when God will rescue us does not keep God at a distance. The Lord is close to those who are broken-hearted, to those who are crushed in spirit. He delights in us and rejoices over us.

God’s love is predictable. We can be assured that God will always rescue at the perfect time.

Jury duty. Ug. Normally I would have loved to be a part of the judicial process. Last time I was called to jury duty, I was not only selected for the trial, but elected jury foreman. My inner lawyer nerd rejoiced. But now it was summer. I was home with my kids. I had a list.

There were over 70 other potential jurors crammed in a large room. In July. It was a major civil trial that would last two weeks. I squirmed. Everyone received a number. The top 12 would sit in the jury box and answer questions, and then be dismissed if there was any question of being biased. I was number two.

As I walked up to the jury box I looked down at the lawyers and their clients. I knew some of the people in the case. Oh praise Jesus for answered prayers, I could just say I knew them, and have a reason to be dismissed.

It didn’t turn out to be that simple.

I was compelled by the nature of the case. I wondered if I could be a beacon of justice on this jury, and be a part of such an important decision. Maybe I was called to be a voice of discernment.  My heart was a flurry of thoughts and there was little time to sort them out.

The lawyers asked questions of us.

“Do you know anyone in this case?”

I raised my hand.

“Would you be able to listen to all that is presented in this case and be unbiased?”

Oh gracious. In a poorly air-conditioned courtroom with dozens of people. On the spot. GO. What is in your heart?

“Yes, I believe I can be.”

But then… the next question.

“How well do you know their character? Would their character influence you or cause bias in any way?”

Panic. That is a deeper question.

I had always known the integrity and good character of my friends. That was not the struggle. The question was, could I be unbiased in a court of law and look at the evidence impartially?

I didn’t know what was best, what was right. I didn’t know if I could be unbiased. I thought I was certain of myself but I was feeling other feelings. Why didn’t I just know the answer?

He repeated the question.

My thoughts slowed.

“Yes.”

I could not be unbiased. I was dismissed.

I found out later that another potential juror I knew, who was also a friend of my friends, had been dismissed as well. But he visibly waved to them from the jury box, and was prompt to answer that he would not be unbiased and therefore could not serve on the jury.

Why wasn’t that me? Why didn’t I know my heart sooner?

Perhaps I could credit my skills in *occasionally* over-analyzing a situation… (ahem).

But what if, ultimately, that is just the way it is with our hearts sometimes? What if it isn’t always obvious? Maybe we don’t always know what is in our hearts, and it isn’t until we undergo a process of self-examination, questioning, and searching that our true motives are revealed.

It would be nice to skip that process and just be confident of the answer.

Or maybe the process is just as important as the outcome. When we are faced with our own questions and uncertainties, we grow in our understanding of Jesus and of our own hearts.

The past several years have been, for me personally, a difficult and long process of healing. I am still walking it, but I am not at the beginning anymore. In the trenches of messiness and ugliness, I have experienced some level of healing and revival in my heart that once appeared impossible. There are fragments of light and beauty. There are rumors in my heart of a growing territory called Freedom.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” In order to guard your heart, you have to know it. To know Jesus and to be known by Him. To invite God to shine a light on the dark and hurting places. To discern what is hindering us from understanding our own hearts.

I wish all of our heart’s battles could be remedied in one morning of jury duty.

In reality it takes months, or even years, of humbling ourselves and submitting to a different way of thinking. Healing is arduous because our hearts were not created to thrive in shallow waters. Wrestling and stretching and self-examining are found in the deep end. Greater focus, and a clearer vision, can be found there as well.

Those are big scary topics.

But most assuredly, you are not alone. You are being prepared for something in your life that you will be able to fully invest in, if you are willing. Maybe you don’t even see a path amidst the thorns of fear and pain. But you owe it to yourself to dig deep in those waters.

And this is a welcome and safe space to be real.

 

Welcome to my new blog! Check back here on September 4th, when I plan to blog on a profound life lesson from my experience…  on jury duty (of all places!) See you then!